Minions. They’re not an essential requirement
for someone like me, but darkness knows they’re useful. In fact, many of our
kind depend on having a decent posse of minions to take care of their dirty
work, to take the fall for their evil deeds, and/or to be experimented upon. But like
any other sort of raw material, they come in a wide variety of qualities,
shapes, and sizes. And as always, some are more suited to the task at hand than
others. Therefore, it is a very serious life decision to decide whether or not
to put yourself and your empire in the rather grubby hands of a lowly minion.
So you ask, what sort of qualities does a good minion need?
First and foremost is Loyalty. A good minion
MUST be loyal. To ME. The important factor here is that a minion has to
follow ME. Not my partner. Not my buddy. Not my dog (though that may at
times be more tempting), and definitely not some hero, who can imbue him with
an insignificant moral compass that can one day be used to turn him against
me. If the minion does not serve me wholeheartedly with all his mind, body, and
soul, then either his priorities need to be straightened out, or he needs to be
permanently terminated and removed from his position. Because if he can be
turned against me, anything I've trusted him with is going to go against me
too. So I demand absolute control over their teeny tiny little brains!
Next is Survivability. No, I do not mean
serviceability! I maybe a few ants short of a picnic, but I know the difference
between the two words! Sure, I can just
replace them, but that means finding and training the new minions, fitting them
for uniforms, having to worry about personnel shortages and/or difficulties
with finding cheap labor. I also have to deal with the general decreases in
morale due to the a) constant losses at the hands of the heroes, b) the fact
that either the numbers are changing every "incident" or c) I’m
getting cases where number 152 has seniority over number 3 because I hired him
5 minutes before, for the simple reason that I needed to fill in the gaps left
by those who came (and went) before them. But if my minions are tough and
difficult to kill, not only do I not have to worry about replacing them, but
hopefully they will come back with some useful information, possibly learn from
their mistakes (I wouldn't count on it, though), and maybe even lull the heroes
into overconfidence because they always seem to lose so miserably.
Then if possible, a minion must be competent
and useful. (Though chaos knows that’s impossible! I know! I've looked in the
darkest pits, on the tallest mountains and everywhere in between!! Good help is
so hard to find!!!!!) If for instance a minion is supposed to be able to take
on ten normal men at one go, I would also normally make sure they can also
handle women, children, abnormal men, nonhuman species, things without concept
of gender, shape, form etc, etc... This
would be a consideration in applicable sorts of contests of say, intimidation or
general destruction, rather than being able to outwit them (because most
minions I know aren't that gifted in the brains department). Basically, these creatures are supposed to be instrumental in carrying out my evil plans. If they
can’t carry them out, why would I waste my valuable, albeit ill-gotten resources
on them?
I also prefer my minions to be primarily
accustomed to taking orders without asking too many questions. No one likes a
lippy minion when they are trying to concentrate on a particularly fiddly dastardly
deed. On the other hand, I cannot have minions who only have the brain
capacity to follow orders, because they freeze up when acting on their own, and
that’s just not pretty. Besides, minions with a few working brain cells in
their heads tend to come in handy from time to time; I can steal their ideas,
take the credit, and maybe even save my own skin when the lowly minion turns out to be right. They also
make good bait to put angry mobs off my trail, because they, the minions, can
be torn apart and poked with pitchforks and all manner of murderous sharp
objects that mobs may prefer, while I make good my escape. Therefore, I find
followers in the I.Q range of 75-80% to be optimal.
Finally, I do not settle for substandard
minions! They break under stress, crack and disintegrate under
pressure, slow me down, and generally make trying to execute an evil plan
even more difficult than it would be otherwise. Scrupulous Standards are
EVERYTHING to someone like me. So if YOU feel you fulfill my
minionic requirements... please do not hesitate to apply. Great rewards (I
offer no guarantees) await the members of my horde! Join me! Travel to
exotic places. Meet new people! Kill them! It’s the minion’s life for YOU!
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