Beautiful

I am beautiful 

I am smart 

I am loyal

I am generous 

I am kind

I smile with my eyes

I hold out my hands

Help you stand 

I build you up

I give you everything I am.

And yet ... 

I am lonely 

I am desolate 

My heart twists inside me

I am derision

I am scorn 

I hate myself 

I hate who I am

I am drowning  

Reaching out desperately 

I clutch at straws. 

I always miss. 

There is no one there to save me. No one to help me up. No one there to see me. No one there to hear. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.

I am all alone. 

So now I keep telling myself

While I smile at you with my eyes
And die a little more inside 

It is all a lie.

I am beautiful 

(I am not)

I am beautiful. 

(I never was)

I am beautiful. 

(I will never be enough)

I. Am. Beautiful. 

18/04/2020

Walking on Eggshells

I never know what to say to you 

Because a lot of the time

What I say

Is wrong

And you disapprove. 

I feel bad.  

Did I hurt you? 

Are you mad? 

How can I make it better? 

I'm sorry. 
I know I said too much. 

I never know what to say to you. 

I'm not like this usually

I promise. 

I'm always confident,

Eloquent,

Never at a loss for words. 

I was born to talk,

Weave stories with my words.

But you, 

I never know what to say to you.  

My sentences are broken

My words don't make sense. 

They are not the droids 

You are looking for. 

No matter what I say

It's never enough. 

Because with you,
No matter what I say,
I am always, always wrong. 

06/04/2020