Over-Thinker

I always think

That other people 

Think the worst of me.

When I call 

And they don't reply

They hate me.

If a message is a little bit late 

They never want to speak to me again. 

Was their tone different today?

We're they a bit sharper than usual? 

Maybe they are tired of me. 

I am no longer welcome in their life 

Or in their headspace.

We are not friends anymore. 

If they leave I don't care. 

(I do, I really really do: so very very much)

Why would they talk to me anyway?

I'm not a nice person. 

I must have said something wrong. 

I must have offended them in some way. 

Done something bad. 

Hurt them.

Made them mad.

I never know when to stop. 

When to hold back. 

When to step away. 

When to give space.  

I'm too open, too raw, too broken. 

I pour out my heart and soul

In a self-righteous barrage of verbal vomit.

I say too much too soon. 

No brain mouth filter. 

I am too Loud. 

I am too Intense.  

I am too Lost.

I am too Clingy.

I am Too Much. 

I am just too ME. 

Why would anyone stay? 

05/06/2021

When You Smile

You smile with

Everything you were.

Everything that you are.

Everything you will be. 

Because, when you Smile

The whole world lights up

and shares the joy

shining out of your brown eyes. 

07/05/2021

*For Yosh

The Fault in My Stars

My biggest problem is

That I always believe 

That other people 

Care for me 

As much as I care for them. 

09/05/2021 

Forgive and Forget

How do you forgive yourself

for all the things that you have done?

For all the times

you broke your own heart

by holding on even though it hurt

even though you should have run?

How do you stop the pain

that you inflict on yourself?

Your mind going round and around 

chasing its own tail...

Whispering to you that you are not enough.

That you are twisted. 

And broken.

And alone.

And unloved.

That everything that you do 

is wrong. 

Is there forgiveness inside you

For yourself?

Can you forget 

All the slights, and all the hurt and all the pain?

Can

You 

Really 

Fix 

Yourself? 

 

20/03/2021

The Things That Keep Me Up At Night

Sometimes I lie in bed at night 

and try to remember 

what it felt like to have your body next to mine.  

I try to remember, 

how we fit together. 

A bit awkwardly at first; 

A crushed arm,

An elbow in the stomach,

My hair in your mouth.

Your feet outside the blanket. 

Monster bait. 

Until we figured out how to fit just right. 

My head on your shoulder.

My leg wrapped around yours. 

Your arm tucked under me. 

I remember the nights during summer. 

Where the sweat stuck our bodies together.  

And I had to peel myself off you and scoot away: Too hot! Noooo! Stop touching meee! 

You still found me in your sleep 

And held me until I gave in, and sweated and slept. 

When it was cold, you stole the blanket, wrapping yourself with it like those tandoori chicken wraps I made you for dinner. 

Blanket Thief. 

You made my ass freeze. 

Because that's the first part of me that got uncovered when you stole the covers. 

You still found me. Shivering and cold. And wrapped your blanket covered burrito self around me. 

I was still cold but I slept.

I lie in bed alone now and remember.

I remember your heat, your solidness, how your chest moved up and down when you breathed.

My head on your shoulder. 

My leg wrapped around yours. 

Your arm tucked under me. 

I remember how we fit. 

I remember how no matter how far I moved away from you, you always found me. 

No one steals my blankets when it's cold anymore. 

11/ 11/ 2020

Bits and Pieces IX

You gave me fireflies.

You had me breathing dreams,

like air. 

I wanted the wanting.

I dared to hope. 

Of all the lies I've ever lived,

my favorite was You and I.

Everything I ever let go

Has claw marks on it.

Because all I ever loved

I loved alone.

And these are the days

That must happen to me.

I deserved a better goodbye.

Though silence is an answer all on its own.

But if love can fade so can pain. 

Sad birds still sing. 

The moon is still the moon

in all of its phases. 

And some flowers bloom only at night when everyone is asleep. 

Each step forward sets you free. 

And time will reveal 

Who's loss it truly was. 

04/11/2020

My thanks to: gisselle gullianna, faraway, autumn, isra al-thibeh, butterflies rising, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, David Foster Wallace, Walt Whitman, Mia, David Jones, and Perry poetry.

Happy Birthday

Usually when I write Poetry I pour out my heart. The Pain, the Anxiety, The Sick Stomach Anguish that I feel in a cathartic rush of verbal diarrhea. (Yes, I said diarrhea in a birthday poem, so sue me) This one is a little different. This one is a bit more joyful. Birthdays after all are good. Aren't they? So one would think that poems written about them to say 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAVE THE BEST DAY!' Would be a lot more cheerful than most. So here it is; This is me being cheerful. This is me saying, Well done on being born today. You are a lot less wrinkly than I thought you'd be by now. It's all downhill from here. Also, I was too broke to buy an actual present, So here. I wrote you one instead. I hope you like it. Happy birthday. 03/ 09/ 2020

For Shenuk