Today you accused me of coming at you guns blazing, you didn't think it was fair that I spoke to you like that when you were 'only looking out for me'. I was waiting for you to tell me what you said. "So you've forgotten your diet and the gym". I was waiting for weeks. When will she say it? Maybe she won't this time. But then you did. There it was. I was hoping against hope that this time you wouldn't say it. That this time you would let me be. Let me make my own decisions. But no. You just had to do it. In the way you always say it. 'So, you've forgotten ..." such an innocuous little expression, said for my own good. No, I have not forgotten.
I see myself in the mirror every day. I see the weight, I see the 'love handles', I see my thighs, I see my stomach, my arms, my face. The rolls of fat, the excess flesh, and it is repulsive, it is disgusting. I see it every day. Every time I look in the mirror. It will make me sick and one day it will kill me. I hear the voices of all the people throughout my life, who have told me these things for my own good. So no, I haven't forgotten.
Do you know how much you hurt me?
You tell me, you are my mother, so you can tell me these things. Because you care. Because you want me to be healthy. Do you think that I don't know? That I haven't heard what you tell me over and over and over again, from a million different people? Doctors, friends, teachers, aunties, uncles, boys, girls, random strangers: "You need to do more cardio. Stop eating carbs. You would be so beautiful if you were thinner." Do you still think I need to hear it from you as well? Do you think that I will forget for one single minute that I am fat? That maybe, just maybe, a boy like him would want a girl like me? No, I still haven't forgotten.
You can tell me the truth. Because you're my mother. And it is your duty to tell me the truth. So I won't be hurt. Because that's just the way things are. Because men don't want to marry women who look like me. I'm good to hang out with, but when it comes time to marry, I will always come in second. Always the bridesmaid. Seeking validation in all the wrong places. I wonder why I do that. Could it be because the people I care about the most think that for some reason I don't know I'm fat? That I don't know that I'm unhealthy? That I just 'forget' my diet and exercise? That I need to be reminded, again and again, and again of my failures?
So No. I have not forgotten. I will never forget because you will never let me. After all, it is for my own good.
