A Note on Hard Goodbyes

Goodbyes are hard on everyone. Most of all on the goodbyeee, i.e. the person who has to say goodbye, who in this case happens to be me. It’s been a tough couple of months for me. Filled with more goodbyes that I possibly thought could be contained in the few months that went by just there. I've said quite a few goodbyes in my life, but this one I think is the hardest one yet. It’s so hard that I’m finding it impossible to write about it. I just don't have the words to express everything that I am feeling, and that for me is unusual. ask anyone who has known me even for a short time, words are something I’m usually NEVER in short supply of, You all know this about me personally too. But this time, I've been thinking about this post for days. Days! And I still have no idea what to say. I’m writing in the hopes that my typing fingers know what to say even if my brain doesn't.

It bugs me really. Not knowing what to say.

How do I say goodbye to the people who I have worked with for three whole years, who have accepted me and loved me just for being me. Who have laughed at my stupid jokes and cheered me up and who for the most part have saved my life? when I started working over here, I had just gone through darkest patch ever in my life, and the people who started off as my colleagues, became my friends and finally my second family, pulled me out of the funk I was in, and they did it so seamlessly and caught me so unawares that I didn't know I was all better until I was. 

How can I tell them that even as I write this part of me is screaming, STAY! STAY WITH THEM! Stay where I’m happy and it is safe, warm and comfortable. how can I put to words how much having to leave is tearing me apart and I wish more than ever that I can split apart like a starfish, or was it a sea worm, that turns into two when cut in half, and have one of me stay while the other me goes. Even though I can’t do that, I leave a part of my heart with them. and I have to say my heart is getting pretty small because I keep leaving bits and pieces all over, whether they are wanted or not.

Like I said Goodbyes are hard for me. I’m one of those clingy people who gets attached easily. And it breaks my heart a little bit more every time someone I care about leaves me.

This time however I’m the one who is leaving. And my heart is shattered. I lost two people I held in my heart for the better part of a decade and my heart hurt so much it started to wobble a bit in its place, a friend sang me a song and my heart cracked, I had a farewell lunch at work some days ago and my heart crumbled with the shock of doing something I never thought I would do, I had to give away the last of Cookie's puppies today, and that shattered my heart a little bit more. I have to leave my home of twenty eight years, and the people that I love most in the world for good in a few more days, and I don't know if my cracked and broken heart can take the strain. 

And I still have to do my parting "speech" at work. Forgive me if I can’t say the words, because honestly, I don't think I can. So I’m writing this instead, to tell you all how much you mean to me. How much you have changed and shaped me. I will miss you ALL more than words can possibly convey.

I love you all. You are the sisters I never had. I will hold you in my heart and take you with me where ever I go. Thank you for all the Memories.