The Things That Keep Me Up At Night

Sometimes I lie in bed at night 

and try to remember 

what it felt like to have your body next to mine.  

I try to remember, 

how we fit together. 

A bit awkwardly at first; 

A crushed arm,

An elbow in the stomach,

My hair in your mouth.

Your feet outside the blanket. 

Monster bait. 

Until we figured out how to fit just right. 

My head on your shoulder.

My leg wrapped around yours. 

Your arm tucked under me. 

I remember the nights during summer. 

Where the sweat stuck our bodies together.  

And I had to peel myself off you and scoot away: Too hot! Noooo! Stop touching meee! 

You still found me in your sleep 

And held me until I gave in, and sweated and slept. 

When it was cold, you stole the blanket, wrapping yourself with it like those tandoori chicken wraps I made you for dinner. 

Blanket Thief. 

You made my ass freeze. 

Because that's the first part of me that got uncovered when you stole the covers. 

You still found me. Shivering and cold. And wrapped your blanket covered burrito self around me. 

I was still cold but I slept.

I lie in bed alone now and remember.

I remember your heat, your solidness, how your chest moved up and down when you breathed.

My head on your shoulder. 

My leg wrapped around yours. 

Your arm tucked under me. 

I remember how we fit. 

I remember how no matter how far I moved away from you, you always found me. 

No one steals my blankets when it's cold anymore. 

11/ 11/ 2020

Bits and Pieces IX

You gave me fireflies.

You had me breathing dreams,

like air. 

I wanted the wanting.

I dared to hope. 

Of all the lies I've ever lived,

my favorite was You and I.

Everything I ever let go

Has claw marks on it.

Because all I ever loved

I loved alone.

And these are the days

That must happen to me.

I deserved a better goodbye.

Though silence is an answer all on its own.

But if love can fade so can pain. 

Sad birds still sing. 

The moon is still the moon

in all of its phases. 

And some flowers bloom only at night when everyone is asleep. 

Each step forward sets you free. 

And time will reveal 

Who's loss it truly was. 

04/11/2020

My thanks to: gisselle gullianna, faraway, autumn, isra al-thibeh, butterflies rising, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, David Foster Wallace, Walt Whitman, Mia, David Jones, and Perry poetry.

Happy Birthday

Usually when I write Poetry I pour out my heart. The Pain, the Anxiety, The Sick Stomach Anguish that I feel in a cathartic rush of verbal diarrhea. (Yes, I said diarrhea in a birthday poem, so sue me) This one is a little different. This one is a bit more joyful. Birthdays after all are good. Aren't they? So one would think that poems written about them to say 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAVE THE BEST DAY!' Would be a lot more cheerful than most. So here it is; This is me being cheerful. This is me saying, Well done on being born today. You are a lot less wrinkly than I thought you'd be by now. It's all downhill from here. Also, I was too broke to buy an actual present, So here. I wrote you one instead. I hope you like it. Happy birthday. 03/ 09/ 2020

For Shenuk

What heartbreak feels like

He took my heart in his hand
And said,
'I wonder what will happen if I do this?'
And squeezed. 

20/07/2020

Thinking of you

Thinking of you 
is like filling my mind
with razor blades.
They cut and cut and cut
and all I can do
is cry and bleed.

18/07/2020

A Modern Day Love Story

Today a man I just met 

Told me that I'm

Beautiful. 

I almost believed him

Almost.

But then he told me what he wanted to do to me.

And that he wanted 

My body under him

Legs spread wide.

And I thought 

Ah, he will say anything

To make me agree.

Then he grew a conscience. 

Maybe because he liked me.

Maybe because he didn't want to lie.

He has a wife. 

And when I refused his advances politely;

Karma after all, I explained.

I don't cause pain, only have it heaped on me.

He understood. 

And left me with these words

'Even though you're not for me

You are beautiful 

Don't ever forget it. 

I don't believe him. 

17/06/2020

An Ode to Cookies

Who made the cookies?

Those rich and buttery squares 

of wholesome goodness?

Who made the cookies 

Whose scent wafts across the house

Making everyone's mouth water?

I've never made cookies before.

But today,

Today is that day. 

And I am going to bake the cookies. 

I am.

29/05/2020

3 am Thoughts

How is it that someone

Can make you feel 

So small

Without ever knowing 

That they did? 

I don't know what to say to you anymore. 

28/05/2020

Beautiful

I am beautiful 

I am smart 

I am loyal

I am generous 

I am kind

I smile with my eyes

I hold out my hands

Help you stand 

I build you up

I give you everything I am.

And yet ... 

I am lonely 

I am desolate 

My heart twists inside me

I am derision

I am scorn 

I hate myself 

I hate who I am

I am drowning  

Reaching out desperately 

I clutch at straws. 

I always miss. 

There is no one there to save me. No one to help me up. No one there to see me. No one there to hear. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.

I am all alone. 

So now I keep telling myself

While I smile at you with my eyes
And die a little more inside 

It is all a lie.

I am beautiful 

(I am not)

I am beautiful. 

(I never was)

I am beautiful. 

(I will never be enough)

I. Am. Beautiful. 

18/04/2020

Walking on Eggshells

I never know what to say to you 

Because a lot of the time

What I say

Is wrong

And you disapprove. 

I feel bad.  

Did I hurt you? 

Are you mad? 

How can I make it better? 

I'm sorry. 
I know I said too much. 

I never know what to say to you. 

I'm not like this usually

I promise. 

I'm always confident,

Eloquent,

Never at a loss for words. 

I was born to talk,

Weave stories with my words.

But you, 

I never know what to say to you.  

My sentences are broken

My words don't make sense. 

They are not the droids 

You are looking for. 

No matter what I say

It's never enough. 

Because with you,
No matter what I say,
I am always, always wrong. 

06/04/2020

It's not You, it's Me.

Such is the way of the world 

The way of man

To always want

What they can't have. 

I like you a lot, 

But ...

I'm not ready. 

I will never marry.

Life and love have changed. 

You're bad for me.

You don't share.

I have too many issues. 

I have too much work.
You are not Catholic enough. 

Around and around and around we go,

Where we will stop,

No one really knows. 

But...

I really really like you.

I like to have you around.

Your smile; joyous

Lights up the room. 

Your mind; razor-sharp

Challenges me to be better. 

Your heart; too big 

You will give me everything I desire. 

Your voice; rich and eloquent

You build me up, you soothe my soul. 

Your body; curvy, built to please

satisfies me, comforts me.

But...

You and I 

We, 

We will never work. 

You see that, 

Don't you?

Such is the way of the world 

The way of man

To always love

What they can't have. 

24/02/2020

A Letter to My Mother

Today you accused me of coming at you guns blazing, you didn't think it was fair that I spoke to you like that when you were 'only looking out for me'. I was waiting for you to tell me what you said. "So you've forgotten your diet and the gym".  I was waiting for weeks. When will she say it? Maybe she won't this time.  But then you did.  There it was. I was hoping against hope that this time you wouldn't say it. That this time you would let me be. Let me make my own decisions. But no. You just had to do it. In the way you always say it. 'So, you've forgotten ..." such an innocuous little expression, said for my own good. No, I have not forgotten.

I see myself in the mirror every day. I see the weight, I see the 'love handles', I see my thighs, I see my stomach, my arms, my face. The rolls of fat, the excess flesh, and it is repulsive, it is disgusting. I see it every day. Every time I look in the mirror. It will make me sick and one day it will kill me. I hear the voices of all the people throughout my life, who have told me these things for my own good. So no, I haven't forgotten.

Do you know how much you hurt me?

You tell me, you are my mother, so you can tell me these things. Because you care. Because you want me to be healthy. Do you think that I don't know? That I haven't heard what you tell me over and over and over again, from a million different people? Doctors, friends, teachers, aunties, uncles, boys, girls, random strangers: "You need to do more cardio. Stop eating carbs. You would be so beautiful if you were thinner." Do you still think I need to hear it from you as well? Do you think that I will forget for one single minute that I am fat? That maybe, just maybe, a boy like him would want a girl like me? No, I still haven't forgotten.

You can tell me the truth. Because you're my mother. And it is your duty to tell me the truth. So I won't be hurt. Because that's just the way things are. Because men don't want to marry women who look like me. I'm good to hang out with, but when it comes time to marry, I will always come in second. Always the bridesmaid. Seeking validation in all the wrong places. I wonder why I do that. Could it be because the people I care about the most think that for some reason I don't know I'm fat? That I don't know that I'm unhealthy? That I just 'forget' my diet and exercise? That I need to be reminded, again and again, and again of my failures?

So No. I have not forgotten. I will never forget because you will never let me. After all, it is for my own good.