I found a saying on the internet a while ago which pointed out that we are all brave until we find out that the cockroach has wings. Now, I'm not afraid of cockroaches per say, but that's only as long as they are scuttling around peacefully on the floor and not launching themselves directly at my face like some sort of horrible, alien SCUD missile! When they do that I run for cover screaming like a little girl. (I am a girl. Admittedly not little, but definitely a girl!)
Due to the fact that I am perpetually single and my brothers have both moved out of the house I often find myself wondering how to deal with, i.e KILL these flying menaces. I understand that when a woman usually runs into one of these horrifying 1 inch terror/death machines, her first instinct is to scream loudly for aid, which is then usually provided in the form of a handy male, who wades in bravely and either kills or otherwise disposes of the ghastly beast. But what do you do if you are, like me, single and brotherless? Here are some handy tips.
1. Start Reading
I like big books and I cannot lie. Books are awesome. Not only do they relieve boredom, they also make excellent cockroach squashing machines. Now, if you're like me and can't bear to have bright yellow cockroach goo on your favorite books, I suggest you invest in a) dictionaries (The big ones mind you, of the Oxford, Macmillan or Cambridge variety. Not the titchy pocket varieties.) b) encyclopedias or if you are broke c) phone books. You can throw them at cockroaches, drop them on them from the great heights of the relative safety of a table or sneak up on them and hit them really hard. With cockroaches, I find the old saying, the bigger the better, holds true. "Girl! What big books you have!" "All the better to SQUASH you with my dear!"
2. Shoes
Buy shoes. As many as you can. In a variety of shapes, sizes, colors, styles and brands. That way, you can keep notes on which type/ brand of shoes is the most effective cockroach killer. You can conduct extensive research! And if you have to buy more than 1 pair of shoes a month, you can console yourself because it is for SCIENCE. If Archimedes could run screaming down the street starkers for science, then you can buy that gorgeous pair of bright pink sneakers you've been eyeing for weeks. This is a no brainer. Duh! Just like with Cinderella, a great pair of shoes can change your life! And better yet, kill a cockroach!
3. Bug repellent/ perfume / hairspray
I find that pretty much anything that comes in an aerosol spray can, can be quite effective against cockroaches. Naturally not everything will kill them. If your motive is revenge, you could spray a cockroach with bug repellent. Then it will probably repel all other bugs and it will become a social pariah and have no friends and is likely to kill itself due to utter desperation and loneliness. Hairspray won't kill them either. But it will give them fabulous hair. And very honestly, a cockroach with flowing Fabio hair would look rather ridiculous and you can laugh at it until it hides itself in mortification. Finally, you know that nasty old lady perfume that you got ten years ago that's been lurking in your closet because you've been too afraid to throw it out?? Spray the blighter with it. YOU didn't want to smell like your grandma's bedroom, chances are, neither will the cockroach. So it will rush off to shower and when it comes back you can be ready for plan B.
4. Get a dog. Cat's don't give a shit about you and are probably in league with the cockroaches anyway.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend sure as hell never had a dog. Dogs are wonderful creatures. They hunt and kill pretty much anything at your command. Cockroaches, geckos, spiders, you name it, they will kill it for you. If they can't kill it they will helpfully point out where the nasty thing is hiding so it won't be able to leap out and surprise you and/or corner you in the shower. Cockroaches always choose horribly inconvenient times to ambush you. They especially like it when you're in the shower, naked and covered in soap and close your eyes for a second to wash off the shampoo in your hair. They love leaping on you just when you're most vulnerable and running on you with their hairy legs! Your dog will be your guardian and protector against all this horror and if all else fails will bark loudly and alert the nearest man to your predicament, and then HE can rush to your aid.
5. Scream
A properly executed scream is a powerful tool. It has to be high enough to crack glass, shrill enough to pierce ear drums through several layers of brick and cement, i.e walls, and long drawn and pathetic enough to instantly compel any man in the vicinity to come running to your aid, if only to stop you from making that infernal racket. Cockroaches hate loud noises and even though they are boastful to men, and keep telling them 'I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can' they don't actually LIKE said scream. They will rush back into the hole from whence they came and stay there until you stop. Don't stop. For the love of everything that is safe and cockroach free, don't stop. Someone will find you. Then point out where the cockroach went (whilst still screaming to distract the beast) and the kind rescuer will flush it out and kill it. Once you are SURE it is dead, then you can stop screaming. Maybe.
6. Burn down your house
If you have tried everything in the list and nothing has worked you have one final resort. If you have squashed as many of the bastards as you can and your books and shoes are gore splattered, you've run out of everything except your favorite perfume and your dog has cockroach induced indigestion and you've screamed yourself hoarse and they still keep coming and multiplying (good LORD like the heads of the frkkin hydra, you kill one and two take its place) then there is only one thing you can do. Remove all precious items, yourself and your dog, and strike a match and set your house on fire. Fire is the great purifier and will finally and permanently KILL the cockroach and all its extended family. You can also take this chance to live out your dream of walking calmly away from a fire whilst silhouetted in the flames. As an added bonus, firemen will come to put out the fire and you can get them to check if the cockroaches are (FINALLY) dead.
So, it's not just men who can kill cockroaches. Any woman can be a cockroach killer if they try hard and believe in themselves. And who knows, maybe one day you can use one of these tips to rescue a MAN from a cockroach. Who's the knight in shiny armor then?
